The Generous Wife
a daily reminder to grow your marriage
How to Start?
I had an email request for conversation starters or exercises that can help you learn to converse more easily (something we all need to learn). I’m opening up this request to the entire list and I will add a bit of incentive to share your ideas – a contest. Please leave your ideas as a comment to this tip. I asked my husband to pick a number and the author of the tip that comes in that slot will win a copy of The Love Dare (aff link) book (for example, if my husband picked 12 then the 12th tip will be the winner). I’ll wait two weeks to let everyone have time to read this post and respond with a comment. Then I’ll announce the winner.
Be generous! Lori <><
55 responses to “How to Start?”
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i find that starting any conversation with an affirmation, even the most difficult ones, seems to put the other person at ease.
We do 2 things. One is that I get up in the morning, about 3:30am, with my Husband. While he is getting ready, I make coffee and breakfast. Before he starts eating, we pray, then while he eats, I read from “Moments Together for Couples”, and then we discuss the question at the end of it. Second that we do is when we are having a problem with something, we write love letters to each other describing our feelings about the problem, then we give them to each other and talk about what we learned. Feelings are not wrong as what everyone feels is different.
Take the time to listen…if you ask someone a question, give them time to completely respond as much as they would like…and really listen to what they are saying. Don’t interrupt them in the middle of their response with something you think of to say in the middle of their response…this shows you are thinking more about what you want to say instead of really listening to them…also when they are done, show you were listening by either asking another question about what they just said, make a comment about what they said, empathize, sympathize, laugh with them if appropriate…anything to show you were truly listening to what they had to say…make eye contact and touch them on the hand or arm if the situation warrants it…being a good listener is a first step in carrying on a meaningful conversation…
Purchase Table Topics for Couples, http://www.tabletopics.com/couples. The product includes a box of questions that are good conversation starters. Pick one or two from the box when you’d like to chat, but don’t really have a topic in mind.
Me and my husband have a hard time communicating because we never see each other and alot of times when we are around each other we forget all of the important stuff we need to tell each other. So i save it all up until we both have time for each other to actually listen and conversate. This helps to make sure that you have plenty to talk about and that you know the person is actually listening. Alot of times i would just call him at work or wherever to tell him so i wouldnt forget and i found that he would always be distracted and make me feel like what i was trying to tell him wasnt important and he was less likely to remember. Another good tip is to ask him about work. Men like to talk about their job and eventhough my husband is a mechanic and half the time i dont know what he is talking about, it helps to get the conversation started.
My husband and I attended a Marriage Encounter weekend several years ago. One of the things stressed was dialoguing. Basically, there is a question, you and your husband each write your answer in a notebook (about 10 minutes), exchange books to read the answer, then discuss it.
A good list of questions can be found here: http://erl.wwme.org/cp/Dialogue/CP5101.pdf
More on the process can be found here: http://www.wwme.org/dialog-central.html
And, of course, you can use your own questions :)
Did anything interesting happen at work today?
My husband and I like to use a book that has a gazillion different questions in it, which are intended to start a conversation. Occasionally, we pick it up and pick a question, and usually we end up talking for hours. Another idea is a game of truth or dare…it’s a little more fun than the question book, and for me, it’s easier to open up if I’m having fun too ;)
I just got the ebook , getting ready to start it.
There are two things my husband and I do when there’s something we need to talk about that’s emotionally charged & face-to-face discussion is difficult because all the emotion comes out first, damaging the relationship before the heart matter has a chance to see the light of day:
1) We write letters to each other. I am a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, and my husband works outside of the home, so I’ll write a letter to him & send it to him at work. He’ll read it when he has the time (maybe lunch, which we rarely have together), think about it & either write back or sit down with me later. The BIG plus with letter writing is that you can write/type it out, let it sit for a day or two or a week, go back & edit out the destructive emotion, and re-word the heart matter so that you can really connect at the heart as you resolve the issue at hand.
2) We’ve established a separate e-mail account for this same purpose. My husband is currently active-duty military, US Navy, stationed in Japan. Right now, in our case, letters can still work, but it takes a LONG time to interact (about 10 days one way). So, we use Hushmail.com, which has privacy protections, to interact about personal matters & concerns. The major warning I give to anyone who uses this method, though, is, again, LET IT SIT for a day or two. E-mail can be more destructive than a face-to-face argument because there’s no body language to better understand the meaning behind the words. Be sure to wait, go back and edit before just hitting the “send” button.
Similar to above, we like the couples (and family) edition of the conversation cards from Red Envelope. (Not sure if I’m allowed to put that, but just in case anyone wants to know… :) There are SO many neat questions/topics of conversation, and one subject seems to always lead to another! Dinner time seems to be the best for us as far as starting the conversation since we’re already still, and we let one of our kids pick the card every night so that it won’t be forgotten! (you know how kids are about having their turn ;)
This is a discussion topic for newly married couples and those that have been at it for a while. My husband does not share his thoughts or feelings very often but if I start the conversation, he will give me an honest response. The one thing that often causes problems in marriages (outside of finances and family) is sex. So, ask your husband how often he thinks the two of you should have sex each week. How often should you cuddle or just kiss and hug? Quite often his expectations are not what we tend to think. It is important to make sure both of you are satisfied physically.
Hi Honey( Dear,Handsome,Wonderful(your choice:)
How was your day?
How did it go well?
Did you have fun at…?
We pick a book about a topic that is interesting to us both (right now we’re doing one on raising chickens, and one on solar energy is next on our list), and I read it aloud in the car while we’re driving, or if it is something really good, we’ll bring it in the house at night and read it after the kids are tucked in. As we’re reading, we stop to comment on ideas that catch one or the other of our attention, or to try and expand with our own ideas on what the author has written. Even when we’re not actively reading, we’ll often stop to chat about the ideas in the books, and dream together as we envision how we’ll implement them.
When starting a conversation with my husband I’ve learned it’s important to be mindful that timing is EVERYTHING. I’ve find the best time to start a conversation is when my husband and I are alone, one example is our date night. Our date nights are designed around just to two of us and my husband is very open to most of my request during date night…LOL and I’ve found that it’s often a good time for us to conversate pretty much about anything because we’re both relaxed and open and ultimately we want to please one another, therefore stimulating conversation is always a welcomed addition.
It’s hard to get mine to sit down for a board game b/c he doesn’t like them. One way we use to talk is read a marriage book and talk about what the author says. One of the best book we’ve used was “Sheet Music” by Dr. Leman (sp?). We also used “For Women Only” and “For Men Only” by Shaunti Feldahan. He and I read both of Shaunti’s books and had lots to talk about. Another great book is “His Needs and Her Needs; Building an affair proof marriage.” We used that for Sunday School.
The Ungame is a great way to create conversation, and a couples version is available.
The box contains little cards that ask an open-ended question, and you answer it. (We did not use the board.) We used to play it around the dinner table with my two kids. My daughter was more verbal and my son was quiet, so I found this as an opportunity for him to express himself with what was important to him.
I distributed a card to each person face down on their placemat. When the four of us began eating dinner, we would take turns turning over our cards, reading aloud the question, with each person answering their own question. The rule was that nobody else was allowed to talk during that time. This gave each person the freedom to say whatever he/she wanted to say, and we learned a lot about each other.
Here’s the website: http://www.ungame.com/ It says: “In today’s fast paced lifestyle, the Ungame creates the perfect setting to bring back simple communication into our lives, strengthening the bonds in all of our relationships.” I wholeheartedly agree!!
We have found the 5 love languages link (assessment) a helpful starter, this would work for couples and for families since they have stuff for kids too. We, as a couple, are currently working through the emotional needs questionnaire from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html. They have numerous questionnaires that couples can use.
I’ve found that just by keeping up with the news, a few blogs on subjects that I know interest him/us both, and general reading, I’ve got a whole grab bag of ideas to start with. Then, when we’re in the car, at the table, or in front of the electronic toilet (it lives in the living room, and we sit in front of it and flush away hours of our lives), I can just throw out a thought, then ask his opinion. “Did you read that article?” “I read today that Mr. So-and-So is sanctioning this! What do YOU think about that? Will it affect this tax rule?” “Hey, look at this new product! I’ll bet you could really catch some big bass on this guy! Which lake should we try?”
I feel when asking how are you, you should be looking straight at the person rather then just saying it and looking or doing something else. It catches their attention that you truly are interested in what they are going to say. It makes them feel more comfortable in continuing the conversation.
Sometimes listening is the best conversation starter. Let your husband talk about his day and take an interest in what he says. Read a little about the things he enjoys so you can ask him related questions. He will appreciate that you love him enough to want to learn about his hobbies.
I find men like humor so either going to a comedy club, watching the comedy channel on tv, or reading a book of jokes helps to open couples up, makes them relax, and puts them in a good mood for discussion. Not everything is funny in life but a smile goes a long way to ease the mood.
I find with my husband that if I start of asking him about things he is interested (his work, computer games he is currently into, guns, things he is reading, ect.) as opposed to opening with things I’m interested in (scrap-booking, decorating our home, the latest cute thing our daughter did, things I’m reading, ect.) he gets much more excited about talking with me, (which then leads to him asking me about my interests!) I think that he needs (just as I do) not only to have someone willing and available to listen to him but also someone who will care enough take the time to find out what he likes! BUT this only works if I’m genuinely interested in his likes AND don’t push him to talk about my likes. my man spends 8 hours a day 5 days a week doing something he LOVES the least I can do is ask him how its going for him!
Here are a few suggestions to start conversations with your husband:
1. If you had a week all to yourself, how would you fill each day? (His answer, e.g. alone, together as a couple, with friends, etc. will tell you a lot.)
2. What did you most enjoy doing when you were a child?
3. What did you most enjoy doing in your family when you were young?
4. What are 10 things (or whatever number you like) you dream of doing that seem impossible?
5. Who do you look up to and why?
We made this to keep our conversations going when we couldn’t think of other things to talk about- http://keepinglifecreative.com/featured/12-days-of-christmas-question-jar/ the website offers TONS of free printable questions. We made them as Christmas gifts as well this past year.
One year when organizing our church’s annual Valentine’s event for married couples, I found these questions online, and we printed them out and gave a copy to each couple. My husband and I recently went through them together, and they fueled lots of great conversation. I think we used them on three different dates before we got through all the questions. So here they are to share with your readers:
Ten Questions Every Husband Should Ask His Wife Annually
1. What could I do to make you feel more loved?
2. What could I do to make you feel more respected?
3. What could I do to make you feel more understood?
4. What could I do to make you more secure?
5. What can I do to make you feel more confident in our future direction?
6. What attribute would you like me to develop?
7. What attribute would you like me to help you develop?
8. What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy?
9. What would indicate to you that I really desire to be more Christ like?
10. What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish?
Ten Questions Every Wife Should Ask Her Husband Annually
1. Do you feel I properly understand the goals that God has placed in your heart? How can I help you achieve them?
2. What are some things I can do to regularly show you just how satisfied I am with you as my husband and the leader of my home?
3. Is there anything I am doing or failing to do that seems to send a signal that I do not honor you or your leadership in our home?
4. Is there anything I can change to make our home a place where you feel more satisfied and comfortable?
5. Are there any big dreams in your heart that you have been hesitant to share with me? How can I help you fulfill them?
6. How do you feel we can begin communicating better than we already are?
7. Do you feel that there is anything keeping either one or both of us from God’s best in our lives? What should be my part in freeing us from those restraints?
8. Are we where you wanted us to be at this stage in life? How can I help you make that possible within God’s guidelines?
9. How do you envision our future together? What can we do together to achieve that goal?
10. What can I do to show you how much I need and trust you?
We do the Daily Temperature Reading similar to the one found on this website:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/tempreading.html
Appreciations: Share five things you appreciate about each other. These can range from the simple “I like your smile” to the sublime “I like it that you were able to kiss and make up after I forgot to pick you up last night.” Appreciations build up credit in the love bank. It can be a nice surprise to realize just how much our partners notice and appreciate.
Wishes, Hopes, and Dreams: Describe three things you hope for in the long run (“I hope to complete a marathon by the time I’m 40”) and in the short run (“This week-end I’d like to spend a half-hour alone with my dad when he visits.”) A partner who understands your dreams is able to help them happen. Remember that hopes change as we go along and it’s important to keep each other current.
New Information: We often forget to update our partner about a change in plans or circumstances. We tell people at work or a family member and think we’ve told our spouse. Make the daily updates a ritual. Information like “The dentist said Bobby won’t need braces after all” or “I’ll have to be in San Francisco an extra day” is crucial to staying in-synch and feeling connected.
Puzzles: Clear-up big or little mysteries before they become suspicions, jealousy, false assumptions, or resentments. Most “puzzles” have simple explanations. “You promised you’d water the tomatoes before you left this morning. What happened?” “The water was turned off. Was it back on when you got up?” You have to ask.
Complaints with Request for Change: Get in the habit of saying what you want rather than what you don’t want. Describe a specific behavior that bothers you and explain how you’d like it done. Instead of “I get furious when you call and don’t leave a message,” say, “Honey, when you call and get the machine, please don’t say ‘It’s me’ and hang up. Say why you’re calling, and when you’ll call back, or be home, or whatever it was you were calling to tell me.” If you forget to say why you were calling. Call back. Even if it’s long distance. It’s an inexpensive investment in your marriage. Cheaper than a dozen roses.
Love this tool in opening conversation – especially when we get stuck talking about the kids:-)
Jillian
[edit of personal info] Everyone asks how we are so close after so many years of dealing with home problems and putting up with each other. I always tell them that God’s grace is the only thing that kept us afloat. We have a close bond because we know how to argue. We never just agree to disagree because we know that most of the time the problems will just rise back up later. When it comes to having open discussions I’ve always started with an honest question such as the one I asked today: “What is the one thing you do every day to stay focused on God? (OTHER than prayer.)” Questions that are straight forward often give the guy a chance to think about these things without feeling pressured by the world and it helps him learn to talk about things and articulate knowing that he won’t be judged. It also opens up the conversation to an array of topics and helps you understand what works for one another on a deeper level.
Our Marriage counsellor gave us Gottman’s “Love Map” questions. If you “Google” that title, you’ll find them on the web. We’ve found them very helpful for getting to know each other again and more deeply! They cover a whole myriad of topics and really get you thinking about interesting things about one another.
When life has been really busy, and we only have a little time to talk, I’ll ask Tom, “How can I pray for you today?” This immediately gets him thinking of all the things on his plate which concern him, and it helps me help him share the load. By praying for him he feels loved and cared for by me and God.
We have instituted a weekly “date night” at home. Since we currently don’t have the time or opportunity to go out and hire a babysitter we stay at home. We call it “Tea and Togetherness” and put it in our schedule for each week. We generally let the kids watch a movie while we just sit and talk. Sometimes we have difficulty initiating conversation that is not about kids/work but we also use some of the conversation starters others have mentioned.
We also use email to say “hi.” DH is often too busy to talk at work so we send little daily emails to say hello and/or remind each other of upcoming events. We both enjoy email so this is another way to stay connected for us.
I always like to ask someone I am speaking with “how did that make you feel?” Because we can all spout off stories but we don’t always get the true feelings behide the story. Especially with kids.
I love a tip from Dr. Gary Smalley. It’s called the LUV technique: Listen, Understand, Validate. Much like how you converse when ordering through a drive-thru, you start by listening to what your spouse is saying, saying it back to them in your own words and then giving them a chance to correct or affirm your statement. Of course, you take turns doing this. This can totally deepen a conversation and help you both understand each other better and communicate more effectively.
I find to start even difficult conversations with my husband or children it always helps when I start with: “You know, I don’t have the capability to love you as much as God does, but my love for you is pretty close and I want to see the best for you and all the happiness this beautiful world has to offer.” It always eases the tension of them not knowing what’s coming and I reaffirms the amount of love I have for them! It also tells them I do want what’s best for them, not only to nag.
One thing we do at the dinner table is “Tell me one good thing and one bad thing about your day.” This gives my kids the freedom to realize that not everything is perfect and you can be honest about what is going on in your life. HOwever, if you don’t have a bad thing, you can list 2 good things. You are never allowed to list 2 bad things because you have to look for the good in your day. It is a great conversation starter to learn more about their day at school, and I learn interesting things about my husband’s day that he might not have told me. My sons are 19 and 22. It was really a good way to get them to talk as teenagers. My daughter is 6 and she LOVES this game. Youngest goes first, which she loves. It really keeps the dinner conversation flowing.
I think open ended questions is a key. So, it’s not “Did you like the movie” it’s “What was your favorite part of the movie.” Also, bring up “remember when” conversations. This helps focus on the good times and can reinforce positive experiences and memories.
It is nice to keep things simple. Reminiscing is perfect for keeping things simple. It reminds us of what we love and enjoy about one another. The things that bonded us in the beginning, that make us who we are. God love each of you and be the strand that bonds you and your husband today.
People love for someone to be genuinely interested in what is going on in their life, so just ask: Tell me what God is doing in your life? Or if they have gone somewhere and experience something ask them to tell you the best part of the experience and the worst part. It will open the door for further discussion.
I try to start on topics that interest him first. He is a sports nut so I try to ask questions about games and such so 1. I know when it is on and when NOT to bother him and 2. it shows I am interested in his life. In turn it usually gets us talking about other things and starts the ball rolling. We almost always ask how each others day went. I listen first then talk.
I love to ask what was your favorite thing about what ever we were doing or even past experiences. This question has led to some great conversations and deeper understanding of each other. Once at Christmas time I asked what is your favorite funny Christmas story. My husband told me that his mom and dad said to wait until morning before they could open presents. When he got up in the morning he opened them all and did not know why someone would give him a set of dishes. Well I guess they all were not for me he though. His mom and dad re-wrapped everything at three in the morning.We learned not to make the same mistake with our children and had a huge laughter session.
I don’t know….I need the book! So I am posting to try to win it! :-)
Ask your dh about his day at work. Then, listen to him. Ask questions/offer comments about what he shares with you.
Right now I am learning that he just wants me to stop and give him my full attention. Today my phone rang (as my Hubby was talking) and I immediately ran to answer it (I was waiting on a call from his mom who is in the hospital). But as I picked up my cell, I felt conviction. I was not giving my hubby my full attention. I was so rude by my actions. I came back in the room and told him how sorry I was for the lack of respect I showed him. He was very forgiving and understanding. It has taken us years to build good communication skills and I never want to tear that down with a lack of respect. Being real and honest with each other when we fail is huge in building communication. When my Hubby talks I want him to know I am listening because I respect what he has to say.
E-mails is one way we communicate. My husband sent me an explicit invitation yesterday asking me to meet him at mid-night. He hasn’t done this in a while and it was a delight to see that he was thinking about me. He shared what he had been daydreaming about and he’d hoped would happen at mid-night. I’ve sent e-mails like this to him as well. But they don’t have to be invitations to be intimate. I write him often to let him know what is going on while he’s at work. He enjoys hearing the funny things that happen and I think it brightens his day to know I’m thinking about him, missing him, and looking forward to his return.
Asking how he was able to show God’s love today has always led to a great conversation.
I’ve found that we have our best discussions when we’re in the car by ourselves, like when running errands or when I go with him to a job site. Somehow certain subjects seem less “threatening” that way.
Years ago, we began reading together. One chapter a night read outloud to the other. We used it as a way to relax and enjoy something together. After each chapter, or a particularly interesting paragraph, we will frequently stop and say “ok, what did YOU think of that”… (TRUTH: OK, so usually I ask these questions, but he does occasionally!:D )
We’ve read Christian books, devotionals, best sellers, and books on what is interesting to US… including the biography of a favorite team’s football announcer.
Amazing the conversations that started from these books.
Invite your husband to go for a walk, drive,or other activity. Men talk more
when they are doing something active.
A book that lists questions as conversation starters that I love is “The Questions Book” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey (published through Family Life.) Then you can begin to add your own creative questions to get to know one another better!
“The Love Dare” is a great conversation starter. My husband & I were separated, living 700 miles apart, with major communication issues. We did the “Love Dare”. The Lord used it to heal our marriage and establish improved communication between us.