The Generous Wife
a daily reminder to grow your marriage
No Labels
The other day a gal told me her husband was a narcissist. Now I’m sure he was being difficult, ornery, or selfish, but it takes a level of education to be able to diagnose that kind of condition (one that I don’t have and neither did she).
Generally speaking, I encourage people not to label others. We don’t always know why people do what they do. When we label them we’re making huge assumptions about what motivates them. (He’s being selfish (maybe he’s scared). He’s lying to me (maybe he’s not or maybe he’s lying to himself and telling you what he wants to be the truth)).
A wiser choice is to talk about behavior and address that. Let people explain their motives instead of making it up as you go along.
The next time your husband behaves selfishly (or whatever), stop the label in your head before it comes out your mouth. Instead, tell him how his behavior hurt or inconvenienced you. Ask him for what you want and give him room to share from his perspective. It will feel far more respectful to him (labels usually sting) and you have a better chance of working through the problem.
Labeling and diagnosis is a catastrophic way to communicate. Marshall B. Rosenberg
- Prayer Prompt: Ask God to help you guard your words.
- Love Hope Adventure: How to Have a Movie Date Night in Your Car A little creativity and voilà!
- Available today and tomorrow. Check out this bundle of gardening resources from Ultimate Bundles. (sale over)
This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.
Image credit © Gerd Altmann / Pixabay
Shop & Support TGW Thanks!
We’re Donation Supported
3 responses to “No Labels”
Leave a Reply
❤ CONNECT
❤ COMPANION BLOGS
❤ SUPPORT TGW
❤ GREAT RESOURCES
Replace me with a label,
denying me my face,
and you make my life a fable
devoid of Godly grace.
Looking for a word to fit
that which you perceive
cannot be in your remit
except if you believe
that you have been given
an insight pure, unflawed,
and feel yourself forgiven
of self-comparison to God.
If so, ’tis danger-path you stride
along the steep cliff-edge of pride.
“Instead, tell him how his behavior hurt or inconvenienced you. Ask him for what you want and give him room to share from his perspective. It will feel far more respectful to him (labels usually sting) and you have a better chance of working through the problem.”
I completely agree.
Except, when you’re truly dealing with a narcissist (or someone show narcissistic behaviour) this won’t help and will even backfire, and make it all so much worse…. Speaking from experience here. Labeling is definitely not the way to go, but knowing what you’re dealing with can at times be essential. You don’t want to use white paint for toothpaste and vice versa. Indeed, you should never label your husband (or amyone else) in a way that he has no room to explain or change and grow. But once this not-labeling has shown you over and over again that there is no self-reflection, no will to see the other, to change, to take responsibility, it is damaging to a very intense degree not to recognize the behaviour and act accordingly: don’t throw yourself away and feed him with all the info he can and will use to hurt you over and over again at deepening levels.
But, never label him openly. Never say to him he is a narcissist, cause that too will backfire. Just keep it to yourself that you suspect narcissistic behaviour (big difference for your own point of view too btw) and act accordingly.
When you are married to someone with significant problems in relating to others, it’s very important to get professional help. Diagnosing conditions and figuring out how to relate to them is beyond the scope of The Generous Wife and the ideas I share here.