The Generous Wife

(Originally posted on July 15, 2016.)

Sex is like chocolate cake.

Really.

They are both amazingly sweet.

You see a piece of chocolate cake and it’s hard not to indulge because it is sooo good.

Sex can be the same way, but from many women I’ve heard a different story (as Paul and I traveled around the US) ~ how bad sex is and how they don’t like it, don’t want it, and would give it up if their husbands weren’t so “oversexed.” They have a million reasons (“I’m busy/tired” being the top one), but it boils down to not liking sex because if someone handed them chocolate cake I’d bet they would find the time and energy to eat it.

People make time for the things that are really important to them. Mandy Hale

When you consider how good sex feels physically and how good it is for your health and for the sense of intimacy your marriage relationship, you have to wonder what is going on. What is causing women to dislike something that is amazingly good and good for them? (And it doesn’t even have the calories of chocolate cake!)

shame
fear
control

If you’re struggling with sex, I’d take a hard look at each of these culprits (yes, there may be other reasons, but these will take you out before you even get to the foreplay).

Shame comes from many sources (abuse, past or present sexual sin, being embarrassed about your body, to name a few), but it makes it very hard to approach sex because every time you do, shame pops up and you automatically take a step back. You have to work to get past the shame and that makes sex hard instead of easy. If you’re already tired it can make the difference between saying yes or no.

Shame also leaves you with a “sex is bad” message. If you want and enjoy sex, that makes you “bad” and you want to be “good.” (Don’t we all.) 

Fear is shame’s cousin. If your sister made fun of your breast size, then you feel ashamed of your body and later you fear your husband won’t find you lovely or sexy. And like shame, it causes you to take a step back and you have to work that much harder to approach sex.

Shame and fear regularly double team folks.

Control is a much harder enemy to identify because it makes you feel safe. If someone else is in control you might get hurt (and past experience has a way of supporting that). When you’re in control you have the choice of “yes” or “no” (and “no” feels much more powerful).

Being sexual means being vulnerable (think naked) and the sex act means letting go. And, harder still, is to let go of having most of the sexual control in your marriage (especially if you feel it is the one area of your relationship where you have some say).

Basically, we use sexual control to help us manage our sexual shame and fear.

Basically, we use sexual control to help us manage our sexual shame and fear. Practically that means sex is an infrequent visitor that we hold at arm’s length with a great deal of mistrust.

Y’all, sex is like chocolate cake! It’s this amazing gift from God made just for you and your husband that’s crazy fun.

It’s worth the effort to figure out what is causing the disconnect between you and enjoying sex. It’s worth facing and dealing with the wounds you carry.

Sex can bless you, energize you, build wonderful intimacy with your man, and it feels really, really good (when shame and fear are gone). It becomes something you look forward to that builds you up instead of wearing you down.

Don’t let the enemy win. Let sex become something you really enjoy and make time for because it is sooo good.

Life’s too short to say no to cake. Author Unknown

♥ #PrayerPrompt: Ask God to help you beat shame, fear, and control in your sex life.

♥ The Not So Excellent Wife: 8 Thoughts That Will Change Your Husband It’s not a trick, it’s a personal discipline.

♥ Life Of Joy: Learning From the Experience of Others Forgiveness is huge.

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We all get the good in having a full pantry, having an emergency fund, and building a little margin in our lives. That extra bit of fullness makes our lives run smoother and gives us a bit of protection when life serves up a bump or a curve.

How does that concept fit into marriage?

I realized the other day that Paul and I have had a couple of rough months (I think we are finally coming out of that season, thank you, Jesus). A little extra weight on our workload, the hardest part of a building project, and a struggling family member. It was difficult, but we have the habit of time together and that gave us the strength to stay connected and keep our heads above water, individually and as a couple.

If Paul and I had been running on fumes relationally when this season hit, we’d still be married, but we’d both be tired, cross, and struggling to reconnect.

What would having a relationship margin look like for you and your husband?

You must create more margin so you have room for what’s important, not merely urgent. Michael Hyatt

♥ #PrayerPrompt: Ask God to help you and your husband build a rich and full relationship.

♥ The XY Code: His Strong Arms Enjoy the differences!

♥ Hot, Holy & Humorous: Mindfulness & Meditation During Sex I need to download an app.

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.
Image credit © Feelgoodpics / Pixabay.com
Shop & Support TGW Thanks!
We’re Donation Supported